DOT 55 : TOY

Daniel (7+ years old) 

Wednesday, November 13, 2002

 

Aunty Jessie wrote this entry on your facebook on March 21, 2010.

Before moving to the Children's Ward, I recall getting a chance to see You in the ICU the day after surgery.

Hospitals ...

Oh, how we loathed hospitals ...

Especially when we know it's not a celebration of a newborn. 

Walking down the bays in the ICU made me think of Tracy too. Though I didn't get to see Tracy in the hospital (in Mexico), your mom's letters described every little thing in such intricate detail that I, we, felt like we were all there with her. 

Your bay happened to be at the end of the hall on the right side and so every little step taken was nerve wrecking.

When I saw You laying there on the bed, You were still drowsy and had a permanent frown on your face. 

It's hard to see You without a smile. 

I couldn't bring in your load of toys because You were in the Intensive Care Unit but I did sneak in at least one toy ...

Either You were REALLY drowsy or You were so NOT impressed with that one miserable toy. I was worried that You were disappointed. I thought You had a smile but maybe it was more like a smirk ... like in Calvin and Hobbes. 

We assured You that there was a whole lot more just waiting for You. You nodded like a goooood boy and went back to sleep.

The next day, You were transferred to the Children's Ward and all those tubes and gadgets were removed from your body. Hey, I'm not in the medical field, ok ... 

You were back to your normal happy-go-lucky self ...

(continue on Dot 56)

 

 Justine, You and Aunty Jessie ... :D

DOT 54 : YAHOO!

Daniel (7+ years old) 

Wednesday, November 13, 2002

 

You opened your mouth ... 

and sank your teeth into the burger, in slow motion. 

Mom will never forget how You closed your eyes, and let out an extended and satisfying “hmmmm” at that first bite, and at each and every other bite thereafter. 

You chewed very slowly, and chomped on your burger so contentedly that it was just simply wonderful to watch You. 

Truly, a beautiful sight to behold. 

Looking at You, Dad had a perpetual grin on his face. 

Justine was more fascinated by the monitors that were beeping around You and kept reading out aloud the numbers that appeared on the screens. 

Dad had also bought some fries, so You really had a nice feast in the ICU that morning.

Your doctor came in a little bit later. 

He was very happy with your progress and was quite taken in with your McD’s appetite. 

Mom thought the doctor would probably not come across a patient who walloped two burgers and a large packet of french fries the day after a brain surgery before You.

Your doctor instructed the attending nurse to remove most of your lines and pads and cables, except for the drainage bag and the IV drip. 

How happy Dad and Mom were when the doctor said that You were well enough to be transferred out of the ICU and to the Children’s Ward. 

Yahoo! 

 

 hmmm - mmm ...

DOT 53 : KETCHUP

Daniel (7+ years old) 

Wednesday, November 13, 2002

 

Your breakfast tray came at 8 am. 

Mom caught sight of a bowl of plain porridge, two pieces of bread with butter and strawberry jam accompaniments, and a cup of hot chocolate. 

Mom made You rinse your mouth first before eating. 

She then fed You, starting with the porridge. You ate without any fuss, one mouthful after another. 

It was always a joy to watch You eat. 

Soon, You finished the food on the tray.

Dad and Justine arrived about an hour later. 

At your bed, Dad gave You a big smile, and held up the McD’s take-away paper bag with your burger orders. 

You gave Dad a half-grin. 

Then You saw Justine, and You had a big, happy smile for her. 

Justine was intimidated by the accordion bag on your head. 

Until today, she does not really remember much of what happened on that first visit in the ICU except for the clear picture of the “bag filled with blood.”

Mom unwrapped your burger, and tore open a small packet of tomato sauce. 

Squeezing the whole packet of tomato ketchup onto the burger, as You normally did, so that the red sauce dripped from the sides, Mom brought your cheeseburger to You.

 

  American breakfast ...

DOT 52 : McDONALD's

Daniel (7+ years old) 

Wednesday, November 13, 2002

“Daniel’s awake! He wants McD’s cheeseburger. Get 2.”

Mom found herself typing speedily outside the ICU ward. 

She could not wait for Dad to receive the message, and could only imagine how happy Dad would be to read that text. 

Mom had asked You what You wanted to eat, and You said without hesitation, “McDonald’s.” 

Your unexpected reply brought a big smile on your mother’s face. 

“Cheeseburger?” Mom had asked. 

Cheeseburger was your usual preference at McDonald’s. 

You nodded. 

“One or two?” Mom had teased, her eyes never leaving your beautiful face. 

You normally took two, but Mom was not sure if You were up to having two burgers at that time. 

You answered with a slight, almost mischievous smile, 

“Two ...”

Two? 

Only God knows how that monosyllable could get Mom so crazily ecstatic she felt herself floating with indescribable happiness. 

Dad said that he had never felt so excited to go to McDonald’s as he did then.

Hotdogs at the Santa Monica beach ...

DOT 51 : HUNGRY

Daniel (7+ years old) 

Wednesday, November 13, 2002

Perhaps You did not dare to move knowing there was something attached to your head … the drainage bag. 

“The doctor doesn’t allow us to put the toys here,” Mom continued to evoke a response from You. 

Giving your hand a little squeeze, she made an effort to speak with enthusiasm, “Aunty Jessie and Justine bought a big bag of toys from Toy ‘r’ Us. Everyone is waiting to see You ...” 

No reaction. 

Not a stir, nor the slightest shake of the head or a blink of the eye. You were just very still, as if You were careful not to move. 

Mom could not take her agonized eyes off your beautiful face. How was it that You could still look so impossibly adorable in that state You were in, was beyond her. 

When You finally, finally spoke, You said the two most wonderful words a mother would want to hear ...

“I’m -- hungry ...”

An immediate wave of relief washed over Mom. She was so completely and absolutely thrilled to hear that, she could not help but did a quick dance of joy in her head. 

Trying hard to contain her delight, she gave You a big kiss on your cheek, and asked happily, 

“What do You want to eat? We’ll sms Dad...”

 

 Having a chinese dinner with the Viva group in Los Angeles.

DOT 50 : STILL

Daniel (7+ years old) 

Wednesday, November 13, 2002

 

Mom literally jumped up from her seat and sprang to your side. 

She wanted to throw her arms around You and give You a big squeeze but all the lines and tubes prevented her from touching You. 

She could only hold your hand. 

"Daniel, Mummy’s here," she said softly as she bent down towards You. 

You were very still. 

The accordion bag was still attached to your head. It would have been difficult for You to move much, even if You wanted to.

The ICU ward was all quiet except for the beeps of equipments in the background. 

Mom said with a smile, “There’s a big bag of toys waiting for You...” 

You remained still and said nothing. 

Assuring You that Dad and Mom remembered their promise before the surgery, she added, “Dad has ordered for your PS2 to be delivered to the house.” 

That was not exactly accurate, but You did not need to know that Dad will be the one delivering it when we get home. 

Mom thought the mention of Play Station 2 would get You to give some kind of response. She ached to hear You say something, anything, but nothing came out from your mouth. 

Your eyes were very much wide open then, but You remained very, very still ... 

 

 Don't move ... sit still ...

The both of You were having your portrait painted 

by the Santa Monica beach ...

DOT 49 : SLOWLY

Daniel (7+ years old) 

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

”They don’t allow visitors in the ICU …”

Dad and Mom decided not to let Justine or anyone else see You in the ICU. 

By evening time, Dad and Justine went home, along with the family members. Before Dad left, Mom reminded him to bring some detox nutrition to help clean up your body from all the drugs and some probiotics to replenish your good flora. 

You slept the rest of the day and night away. 

Mom spent the night on an armchair beside your bed.

Your nurse checked your pupil dilation, blood pressure, pulse rate, temperature etc at regular intervals, and advised Mom each time, that everything was good. 

Praise God. 

Mom passed the night watching You sleep, saying the rosary, and nodding off ... in that cycle. She finally dozed off in the wee hours of the morning, as her tired body ached for some rest. 

It was quite impossible to get proper sleep on the armchair, and she would wake up with a sudden jerk each time she felt herself sliding off the chair.

At about 6 am the next morning, Mom with half-closed eyes, noticed You stirred. 

It was the slightest move, almost not moving really. Sitting and straightening up, Mom brought her hands around her neck, hardly daring to breathe. 

She felt her throat closed up as she saw your lids moved. 

Slowly, oh-so-very-slowly, You opened your eyes ...

 

 Immitating Daniel-San in Karate Kid ... :D

Slowly Daniel ... be careful ...

DOT 48 : DAZED

Daniel (7+ years old) 

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

The doctor then asked, “Daniel, do you know where You are?” 

Very tiredly, You tried to open your heavy lids yet again, and attempted to look up to your doctor without moving your head, your expression slightly dazed. 

Sluggishly, You replied in a lethargic voice, “Hospital.”

You closed your eyes again. 

The doctor’s next question, “Daniel, do You feel any pain?” 

At this point, Mom found herself not breathing. This time, You did not bother to open your eyes, but gave the slightest shake of your head. 

Mom exhaled with relief and inwardly said a prayer praising God for watching over You.

The doctor bent down towards You, and said in assuring words into your ear, that You were doing good and that he was going to have a word with Dad and Mom just outside your bay. 

You did not respond.

It was quite obvious that You were fast asleep. Dad and Mom were very grateful that You were no longer in pain and You seemed to be resting quite comfortably then.

The doctor informed Dad that he had sent the specimen extracted during the surgery to the lab for a biopsy, and they would get back to him with the results in a few days. 

He left after instructing the nurse that, 

“Daniel’s mother will be staying overnight in the ICU...”

 

 Snowbear barks, wake up sleepy heads ... it's time to play! :D

 In Aunty Jessie's house in the States.

DOT 47 : SLEEPY

Daniel (7+ years old) 

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

 

“He was in pain just now …” Mom began. 

“For a short while. He was okay when the drugs kicked in,” intercepted Dad abruptly. 

Mom inhaled deeply. 

Stepping back so that she was standing behind the doctor, she turned to glare at Dad. Dad’s intervention was not at all appreciated and did not go well with Mom. 

What was he - a doctor?

The doctor, the one with the real qualification, went to your bedside and called your name. 

You opened your eyes drowsily. 

Mom was so afraid that You would cry out in pain again, but this time You did not. 

Oh, thank God. 

Your doctor said in a clear voice, “Daniel, who is this?” pointing at Dad. 

You opened your sleepy eyes and turned your head so very slowly to where his finger was pointing. 

You said wearily, “My father” and closed your eyes. 

“And who is this?” 

The doctor asked again with raised voice, this time pointing at Mom. 

You slowly opened your eyes again, and said, half asleep, “My mother,” before your heavy lids dropped back down.

 

 At the grocer's.

DOT 46 : UNCENSORED

Daniel (7+ years old) 

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

 

“Sorry ah …“

The assistant said politely, as she walked past Mom to You. She proceeded to tidy You up and cover You up with a blanket. She also moved your limbs so that You were positioned more comfortably, and not sprawled like a rag doll. 

The nurse told Mom that normally the ICU only allowed visitors to see the patients after they were properly cleaned up and tucked into bed. 

The doctor made the exception for Dad and Mom because You were a child. Also, when your doctor spoke to You right after the surgery, You had apparently asked for your mother.  

The nurse added that, Dad and Mom should not have seen "all that." By "all that," Mom took it to mean those parts which had traumatized her and Dad a few minutes ago. 

The OT staff had just wheeled You in, the nurse explained, and she was not able to attend to You before Dad and Mom came in. 

However, Mom was glad she saw the “uncensored” parts. It was worse sitting outside and having to guess what was happening to You. With the blanket over your body, the tubes and lines were largely covered. 

Heaving a sigh of relief, Mom was grateful that the situation looked remarkably better.

Just then, your doctor appeared. 

He looked over at You and said, “He’s doing very well.” 

Oh, Mom was so ready to fill the doctor in with all that had happened the last 5 minutes. 

 

 Say HELLO, Nova ... 

DOT 45 : VULNERABLE

Daniel (7+ years old) 

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

 

The assistant was so absorbed in whatever she was doing, that she was not aware of the tension that had sparked.

“Yeah yeah, okay okay,” 

Mom snapped rudely under her breath. Fighting back angry tears that suddenly burned her eyes, she sulked childishly as she rubbed her arm where he had gripped her.

To make his point, Dad turned to the assistant and said “Thank You” as she was leaving your bay. 

Mom stared in disgust. 

Urgh, how sickening. 

Somebody pass her a kidney dish please, she wanted to throw up. 

She hated it when Dad talked sense. Why did he always have to be like so … saint-like rational, she rolled her eyes in annoyance. If somebody don’t stop her from rolling her eyes soon, she would slip into a coma.

Five minutes must have passed since that haunting groan of pain. You fell asleep after that, and seemed to be resting peacefully. 

Dad and Mom stood by the foot of your bed and watched You sleep. Your chest heaved evenly as You slowly breathed in and out.

Mom’s heart constricted painfully as she silently observed how achingly vulnerable and helplessly innocent You looked, with all the tubes and lines, cables and pads that were connected and attached to your body and limbs. 

 

 With Aunty Jessie's dog, Snowbear, taking a break ...

DOT 44 : PROVOKE

Daniel (7+ years old) 

Tuesday November 12, 2002

“We have called the doctor…”

The ICU assistant assigned to You tried to calm Mom down. She said the doctor has given all the necessary instructions, and she assured Mom she knew “exactly what to do.” 

The nurse explained You could be feeling the pain because she had JUST set up the drip and so the painkiller may take a few minutes to take effect. 

Mom stood perfectly still after that brief speech.

JUST -- set -- the -- drip? 

Mom replayed that line slowly in her head. 

Excuse me, but did she say she has 

JUST -- set -- the -- drip? 

The tone in her mind had turned somewhat sarcastic. 

THAT was supposed to assure Mom that the nurse knew exactly what she was doing??? A slow pulse of anger began to beat in her veins. Why, surely that was hovering on incompetence, Mom thought nastily.

Your mother was about to lash out and tell the nurse exactly what she thought of her, when Dad conveniently stepped in, and put a hold on Mom's arm. 

His sudden contact reeled Mom back to her senses, and prevented her from “attacking the nurse and tearing her hair out.” Dad’s exact words.

Dad released his grip as she wrenched her head up and challenged him. He lowered his voice and gave a word of caution, “You don’t want to provoke them, they are taking care of your son.” 

 

 You were in your heelies at Santa Monica Beach.

Not for long, as You stripped to your swimming trunks and jumped into the water. 

DOT 43 : PAIN

Daniel (7+ years old) 

Tuesday November 12, 2002

 

It took a while to get used to your situation. 

On the bright side, if there were any at all, Mom was pleasantly surprised that the doctor did not shave You totally bald. 

He only shaved off a small area on the top left of your head to accommodate a clean surgery. 

She was grateful for that. 

Dad and Mom saw You move your head just a wee bit. Instinctively, Mom sprang to your side. Bending towards You, she called out softly, 

"Daniel ... Daniel ... Daddy and Mommy are here ..."

You opened your eyes drowsily, and the first thing You said, in a hoarse voice, left Mom numb and cold. 

You screwed up your little face and dragged the word “PAIN-NNNNN” triggering all kinds of panic reaction in Mom.

W H A T !!! 

P A I N ??? 

Mom lost her cool and went insane momentarily. 

Her mind screamed in an anguish only mothers can understand. 

He’s feeling pain? 

How could he feel pain? 

Something’s wrong. 

OMG, where’s the doctor? 

Somebody get the doctor! 

Mom rushed from one nurse to another, urgently pressing them to call your doctor. 

Tears were spilling down her cheeks and it was at that frenzied moment that she flung these words to Dad, 

“I regret this, I regret this, I really regret this!!!”

 

 Posing as Shrek in Disneyland. :D

DOT 42 : LIFELESS

Daniel (7+ years old) 

Tuesday November 12, 2002

 

“I was shocked to see all those tubes on him … 

every limb had some kind of line attached, his hands, even his legs … his body had all those pads and cables … his bed was surrounded by those big machines … the different beep coming from different machines … everything was just intimidating … I couldn’t stand to see him in that way… 

and then there was that accordion bag attached to his head, remember?”

Remember? 

How could Mom not remember that? 

That accordion bag was about the size of your face. It rested on the right side of your cheek, pinned to your pillow. It had a tube coming out of it and the other end was attached to your surgery wound to drain excess blood, or fluid, she cannot remember now which. 

Your bed was raised at 45 degrees. 

You were sprawled on the bed, looking very uncomfortable, your head on a large pillow. On top of that, you were not covered with a blanket, so Dad and Mum had a full view of what was going on with your whole body. 

To say they were shaken by the sight of the many tubes, lines, cables and pads that were on You would be the under-statement of the year. 

Dad and Mom were violently traumatized. 

The doctor certainly did not prepare Mom for the devastating force that would rip through her heart at the sight of You looking so tragically lifeless and having to depend on all those complicated tubes, lines and equipments for support.

 

 When I find myself in times of trouble 

Mother Mary comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom

Let it be <3

And in my hour of darkness

She is standing right in front of me

Speaking words of wisdom

Let it be <3

 

 LET IT BE

 In aid of Zeebrugge Disaster in 1987.

DOT 41 : CARTOON

Daniel (7+ years old) 

Tuesday November 12, 2002

The day was Thursday, March 4, 2010 @ 4 pm : about 6 weeks after You left us to live with Jesus and Mama Mary.
 

Mom asked Dad, “Can You remember what happened that day when You first saw Daniel in the ICU?”

Mom remembers every intimate detail, but she could not recall how Dad felt or reacted. She needed to get Dad's version for this entry. 

Dad said, shaking his head, 

“Tsk tsk tsk … You … You were going to fight with all the nurses there. Good thing the doctor wasn’t there, You would have pounced on him if he were. You were ready to take on the whole ward. You kept repeating, I regret this, I regret this, I regret this.”

Mom flashed Dad a scathing look of annoyance. 

“Did - I - indeed?” Mom responded in a displeased tone, hoping to make those three small words convey her utmost irritation. 

“I remember what I did,” she glowered impatiently, 

“What did YOU do? How did YOU take it?” 

She scowled. 

Does your father have to turn this into some kind of cartoon? The situation was real, her fear was real, her reaction was real. 

Your father fell silent for a while, as he brought himself back to that moment when your doctor slid open the curtains in the ICU. 

 

 At the Theme Park in Genting. :D

DOT 40 : DESPAIR

Daniel (7+ years old) 

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

At the doors of the ICU, the doctor punched in a security code. The right door swung open, and we walked in. 

Mom brought her hands up to hug herself. Whether she was cold from anticipation or the freezingly-low temperature of the ICU, she could not ascertain. 

We walked past several bays, each separated by individual curtains to ensure the privacy of the patients. 

The doctor stopped by the last bay. Dad and Mom had a big smile ready and we could not wait to see You.

The doctor slid the curtains open. 

Totally unprepared by what we saw, Dad’s smile instantly faded, and Mom recoiled in horror. Her hands went up to cup her mouth as she reacted with shock. 

Waves of terror vibrated through every cell of her body as her mind grasped frantically at straws, trying to make sense of the frightening sight in front of her. 

The doctor had slipped diplomatically away. 

Grabbing Dad’s elbow in a frantic clutch, she swayed as the floor seemed to shift beneath her feet. Fighting back tears that pricked her eyes, she let out a whimper of utter despair.

Oh - My - God …

 

 In a bike shop during our USA trip ...

DOT 39 : WATER

Daniel (7+ years old) 

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

As if to answer her question, the doctor explained further, 

“We asked Daniel his name and his age, and he answered that clearly.” 

Thank God he’s okay, Mom mentally voiced her most inner thoughts, happily dismissing all her initial fears about the possible risks and dangers of such a delicate open - brain surgery.

The doctor then picked up a glass beaker, about the size of a small coffee mug, from a tray on the counter. 

Holding it up before us, he said, 

“This is a specimen of the tumor.” 

Dad and Mom stared at the beaker that was half filled. Dad took the beaker and shook it a little. It had the consistency of water. 

“This - water-thing - is the tumor?” Mom asked in surprise. 

The doctor said, yes. 

Dad and Mom exchanged glances of disbelief. They were expecting a lump of some sort. All the power-packed drama the last few days was because of this little bit of water?

“If you’d like to come with me, he’s in the ICU,” said the doctor, already turning away and striding out of the operating hall. 

Dad and Mom followed anxiously behind. 

 

 A splashing great time ...

At the pool of Aunty Jessie's parents - in - law 

during our trip to the USA in 2004.