DOT 111 : HEALTHY

THE FINAL CHAPTER : A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY (Sept 2009 to Jan 2010)

At the Grotto of Our Immaculate Conception, in Lourdes   

Daniel (14+ years old) (Wednesday 16/9/2009) 

Day 7 in Lourdes

5th day in Hospital (Pao) (afternoon)

 

Mom asked again, "No more pain, right?" 

You replied, in a tone that was almost bored, "No." 

Like it was not a big deal. 

Perhaps this time, You thought, the medication was stronger, that's why. You were so used to not getting good news, that perhaps You thought what Mom had to say cannot be anything great. 

All that was about to change. 

Mom couldn't wait to tell You,

"Your back's healed, Daniel. The doctor took a scan this morning and he said your spine is all good." 

The words rushed out. 

You had no reaction and did not respond. 

Mom continued brightly, "You remember Dr Lee said You had a slipped disc? And You remember that you've been having a backache for the longest time?" Mom refreshed your memory in case You did not remember after that Sleeping Beauty sleep of yours in the hospital. 

"Well, Dr Desplait says your spine is normal and healthy. There is no prolapse. No slipped disc. God has healed You!"

It felt so, so good to be able to tell You that. 

 

 In the train to Lourdes.

DOT 110 : FARAWAY

THE FINAL CHAPTER : A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY (Sept 2009 to Jan 2010)

At the Grotto of Our Immaculate Conception, in Lourdes   

Daniel (14+ years old) (Wednesday 16/9/2009) 

Day 7 in Lourdes

5th day in Hospital (Pao) (afternoon)

Upon hearing that, hot tears instantly sprang in Mom's eyes. Turning briskly away, she brushed away tell tale signs before going back to your bed side. 

She caught You staring blankly up the ceiling. 

Your look was dazed, your eyes glazed, and your thoughts distant. 

Faraway. 

So very faraway.

Mom was determined to change that. 

Taking your hand, she gave You an assuring squeeze.

Then, Mom asked You as cheerfully as she could, 

"Do You notice something, Daniel?" 

You shook your head slightly, almost disinterestedly, and answered, "No."

"Do You still feel pain in your back?" Mom asked with a big knowing smile. Knowing, because your mother knew God had taken away your back pains.

You thought for a while, like You were checking if your back hurt, and then said, "No."

 

 At the airport in Paris.

 

DOT 109 : PRESSURE

THE FINAL CHAPTER : A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY (Sept 2009 to Jan 2010)

At the Grotto of Our Immaculate Conception, in Lourdes   

Daniel (14+ years old) (Wednesday 16/9/2009) 

Day 7 in Lourdes

5th day in Hospital (Pao) (afternoon)

 

Now that your spine was all good, and a metastasis was ruled out, the doctor advised that a lumber puncture could help release the increased intracranial pressure. 

He fixed the procedure at 1:30 pm that afternoon.

The procedure was over in five minutes. 

As the fluid was literally shooting out from a specific point on your back, the doctor said that there was "very high pressure" in the head. 

Thinking about it now makes Mom want to cry. It will always be difficult for your mother to remember You in pain.

Reflecting back, we are grateful that God put You to sleep so that You did not feel the build up of intracranial pressure, because this pressure in the cranium as we were aware of, is very painful, dysfunctional and life threatening. 

The doctor collected about 30 ml of fluid. 

You felt much better after that.

Dad asked You whether the procedure hurt. 

You mumbled dully, in a slow tone, 

"I - don't - care - whether - it - hurts - anymore ..." 

 

 Basking in the rays of the Son overlooking the Grotto.

(this photo is taken after hospital stay)

DOT 108 : MIRACLE

THE FINAL CHAPTER : A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY (Sept 2009 to Jan 2010)

At the Grotto of Our Immaculate Conception, in Lourdes   

Daniel (14+ years old) (Wednesday 16/9/2009) 

Day 7 in Lourdes

5th day in Hospital (Pao) 

 

Mom intercepted, "But he has a slipped disc, it's in his MRI." 

"I guarantee you, there is no slipped disc," assured the doctor again.

Dad and Mom exchanged glances.

Guarantee?

Did the doctor just say guarantee?

Do doctors say guarantee in the first place?

OMG ... 

Dad and Mom could not believe our ears. 

Mom hardly dared to breathe, afraid that she might just wake up and find this conversation only a dream. 

The scan back home showed a prolapsed disc.

Your parents both remember very clearly that your doctor at home had in fact suggested a surgery to correct your back problem, which Mom had firmly dismissed as "crazy" and "out of the question," as You had barely recovered from a major (and your final) brain operation less than a week ago then. 

Good Lord, how many surgeries can a boy take?

Now, the present scan showed that the spine is normal.

How would You explain that?

It slowly dawned on your parents.

OMG ...

There was no other possible explanation.

We were at the Grotto.

The bath ...

It's a miracle! 

 

At the Marian procession one night.

After You were discharged from Pao and Lourdes Hospital.

DOT 107 : SPINE

THE FINAL CHAPTER : A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY (Sept 2009 to Jan 2010)

At the Grotto of Our Immaculate Conception, in Lourdes   

Daniel (14+ years old) (Wednesday 16/9/2009) 

Day 7 in Lourdes

5th day in Hospital (Pao) 

 

Nothing in this world would have prepared Dad and Mom for what the doctor would soon say. 

In his hands, was a large white envelop. 

He was obviously holding the film of the scan. He brought it out of the envelop.

Dad and Mom watched silently. 

The doctor finally spoke and said that the spine and back was "all normal."

Pause.

All normal? 

Pause some more.

Was there a punchline?

Time stood still.

Your parents did not know how to respond to that. 

The doctor repeated, "His back is all good."

"What about the prolapsed disc?" Dad and Mom asked almost simultaneously.

"There's no prolapsed here. This is a healthy spine," the doctor declared. 

"He has a slipped disc at the tail end of the spine. It's in his MRI back home," Mom insisted. 

"No, "the doctor said, shaking his head, "there is no slipped disc here. This is a healthy spine ..." 

 

 Going home after a day at the beach. :D

DOT 106 : METASTASIS

THE FINAL CHAPTER : A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY (Sept 2009 to Jan 2010)

At the Grotto of Our Immaculate Conception, in Lourdes   

Daniel (14+ years old) (Wednesday 16/9/2009) 

Day 7 in Lourdes

5th day in Hospital (Pao) 

 

In the morning, the doctor sent You for a scan of your spine.

Dad and Mom had alerted the doctor upon arrival yesterday evening that You also had a prolapsed of the disc on your lower spine. 

We were concerned because today would be the fifth day You were laying on your back without much movement. You were not able to lie flat on your back in the first place because of your slipped disc. 

The doctor advised a scan of the spine to eliminate a metastasis.

A metastasis?

That possibility had not occurred to us. 

While we are being technical here, it must be said that, the "evolution" too did not occur to us. Yet, it did not prevent it from happening. 

The situation was tense for Mom. 

After the traumatic shock of the scan on the head the day before, she was afraid of what the doctor would find on the spine. 

It was a restless moment for her. 

The stress of it all was too much to handle. 

At the waiting area, outside the scan room, Mom broke down emotionally. 

In vain, she tried to visualize a clean and clear spine, but her vision was somewhat compromised with the uncontrollable welling up and gushing down of tears.

 

Aunty Carol, Justine, You and Mom. 

This is the photo that we picked of You for your farewell portrait.

At Kuantan Beach during your last Chinese New Year 

with your family in Feb 2009.

DOT 105 ; HELPLESS

THE FINAL CHAPTER : A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY (Sept 2009 to Jan 2010)

At the Grotto of Our Immaculate Conception, in Lourdes   

Daniel (14+ years old) (Tuesday 15/9/2009) 

Day 6 in Lourdes … 

4th day in Hospital (Pao) (late evening) ...

 

Despite pushing all frightening thoughts out of her mind, a quick glimpse of your Aunt Tracy's white casket, still managed to creep into her head. 

She was overcome with hysteria and thought she would lose her mind as she felt her Son slowly slipping away from her. No matter how hard she tried to grasp or tighten her grip on him, she could feel him slipping away.

That night, Dad and Mom cried and cried and cried.

While holding each other, we cried some more. 

The situation had seemed impossible. 

What were we to do?

What could we do?

We finally came to the decision that if God wanted to take You, we would not stand in the way. We had no choice but to surrender You totally to Him. We did not know what else to do.

We were so helpless. 

We were totally at a loss, like we had come to a dead end. 

Truly, a dead, dead end. 

That God has after all given us 14 wonderful years, that in the medical world, You were a miracle wonder ... 

On that premise alone, we tried to comfort ourselves and count our blessings, quite unsuccessfully. 

How many times has your doctor back home told us that patients with your diagnosis do not do half as well as You? You were initially given a life sentence of only 6 months, when You were diagnosed with the dot at 7 years old. It was later stretched to 18 months. God extended that to 14 years.

Was that not miracle enough?

 

 Shine your rays on Daniel, Lord, and keep him safe 

under your care for all eternity.

DOT 104 : MULTIPLES

THE FINAL CHAPTER : A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY (Sept 2009 to Jan 2010)

At the Grotto of Our Immaculate Conception, in Lourdes   

Daniel (14+ years old) (Tuesday 15/9/2009) 

Day 6 in Lourdes … 

4th day in Hospital (Pao) (late evening) ...

 

"There are multiple lesions here,"the doctor said. 

There was no easy way for him to give Dad and Mom that shocking news. Darkness fell heavily over the whole room that instant. Your mother found her world literally crumbled to pieces. 

In writing this entry, she does not want to relieve that moment, and will be brief.

Multiples? 

The doctor in Lourdes Hospital said there were two. 

Only two. 

Suddenly, two did not seem so bad. 

But multiples?

Her heart cried out with the anguish only mothers can understand. 

My God, My God, why have You forsaken me? 

She was at her lowest, her very lowest. 

She could not have gone any lower even if she tried. Her whole world had collapsed. She felt like she were reliving Tracy's experience again. 

Tracy, being your 23 year old aunt who died overseas, from an aggressive metastasis that caused multiple tumors to appear "all over including the brain." 

Your young aunt had died in a hospital at the border of Mexico. Mom and Grandma brought her ashes back to Malaysia for burial. 

It was at that heart-wrenching moment that a sick realization eerily crept into your mother's veins, and left her horribly stumped and cold. 

 

 You were basking in the sun at Mother Mary's territory in Lourdes.

 

 

 

GOD WILL MAKE A WAY 

click on title to view video

DOT 103 : PAO

THE FINAL CHAPTER : A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY (Sept 2009 to Jan 2010)

At the Grotto of Our Immaculate Conception, in Lourdes   

Daniel (14+ years old) (Tuesday 15/9/2009) 

Day 6 in Lourdes … 

4th day in Hospital (Pao) (late evening) ...

 

The specialist in Pao hospital was waiting for You.

It was clearly after consultation hours. Dad and Mom were indeed relieved to see an elderly man with a kind and compassionate face attending to us. 

Aunt Laura spoke to him in French, briefing him about your condition and what had happened. 

Dad took out his camera to show the doctor, photos of You taken on the first and second day in Lourdes. The doctor found it hard to believe that You were up and about, and walking, when You first stepped down the plane in Paris Airport only a few days ago. 

He was well aware of your case as he had been receiving daily reports from Lourdes Hospital. He expressed concern as You had been sleeping since the date of admission 4 days ago.

We were told that Lourdes Hospital had in fact called Toulous Hospital first, to take You in, but they refused as You were not under any insurance coverage. 

As that hospital was about 2 hours away, perhaps it was God's Will not to stress You with the long journey. We were very grateful that this kind doctor agreed to take You under his care. God had picked the better doctor to attend to You under the urgent circumstances.

We handed the scans to the doctor, and waited nervously for his comments. You were sleeping like a baby, unperturbed. It would seem now that while a huge crisis was going on around You, You were to be resting in peace in God's heavenly embrace. 

Mom almost fainted when the doctor finally explained his findings on your scans, one in particular. 

 

 

God set You free from all the suffocation ...

 

DOT 102 : SIREN

THE FINAL CHAPTER : A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY (Sept 2009 to Jan 2010)

At the Grotto of Our Immaculate Conception, in Lourdes   

Daniel (14+ years old) (Tuesday 15/9/2009) 

Day 6 in Lourdes … 

4th day in Lourdes Hospital ...

The ambulance was ready at 4:30 pm. 

You were wheeled in a stretcher to the ambulance. 

Mom asked the ambulance staff whether if it was okay not to turn on the siren. We did not want to alarm You especially when the trip would take about 45 minutes. 

The staff said "Okay, not a problem." 

Dad followed You in the ambulance. Mom went with Aunt Laura in her car. We drove closely behind You.

In the car, Aunt Laura brought out her rosary. 

"Let's pray," she said. 

Mom dug into her jeans pocket and pulled out her rosary. It was a Tuesday that day, so we said and reflected on the Sorrowful Mystery. 

Sorrowful would be the word of the day.

For the rest of the journey, the lyrics of Jesus, Take The Wheel played slowly in her head. 

Fighting back tears that threatened to pour, she fixed her eyes on the back of the ambulance door. Her heart was scorched as she saw the haunting vision of her Son on the stretcher in the vehicle. 

 

 Jesus, Take The Wheel

 (click on title to view video)

 

Jesus, take the wheel 

Take it from my hand

'Cos I can't do this on my own 

I'm letting go

Give me one more chance

Save me from this road I'm on

Jesus, take the wheel ...

 

DOT 101 : TRANSFER

THE FINAL CHAPTER : A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY (Sept 2009 to Jan 2010)

At the Grotto of Our Immaculate Conception, in Lourdes   

Daniel (14+ years old) (Tuesday 15/9/2009) 

Day 6 in Lourdes … 

4th day in Lourdes Hospital ...

 

"What are our options?" Dad asked.

The doctor explained that we could either choose to fly You home accompanied by one of their doctors who would be able to take care of You on the flight, or to transfer You to Pao Hospital to see a neuro-specialist there. 

That specialist in fact, knew about your case as the doctor in Lourdes Hospital has been consulting him and updating him on your progress since You were admitted. 

There were no neuro-specialist in Lourdes Hospital.

How could we take You home in that state? 

It just did not feel right. 

In the end, it was obvious what we had to do. 

There was no other choice but to transfer You to Pao Hospital. We called Aunt Laura and told her what had happened. She came as soon as she could. 

Truly, she is the angel God sent to give us strength.

 

 Justine took this picture.

Someday, we'll be together again ...

DOT 100 : EVOLUTION

THE FINAL CHAPTER : A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY (Sept 2009 to Jan 2010)

At the Grotto of Our Immaculate Conception, in Lourdes   

Daniel (14+ years old) (Tuesday 15/9/2009) 

Day 6 in Lourdes …

You were wheeled back to your room a short while later, still asleep.

The doctor then came in with your scan film. 

Mom motioned for him to talk to Dad and her outside your room. Even though You looked like You were in deep sleep, she did not want to take the risk of You overhearing whatever that was going to be said, especially when it did not feel like it was going to be good.

The doctor broke the news.

“We see an evolution of the original tumor,” he said. 

Pause - for the message to sink in.

Evolution? 

That was the first time Dad and Mom heard of the naughty cell being introduced in that way. 

“There seems to be two unfamiliar images,” he added. 

Two??? 

How Mom could remain standing after hearing that, she will never know. 

All she knew was that whatever life she had left in her was painfully squeezed out of her body, leaving her completely stricken with shock.

There are 2 tumors???

“I’m very sorry,” he finished at last. 

There was a dead and very final ring to his sentence. 

A wailing voice started screeching non-stop in Mom's head.

OMG OMG OMG ...

 

 You're no longer trapped in a cage ...

 

DOT 99 : HYSTERIA

THE FINAL CHAPTER : A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY (Sept 2009 to Jan 2010)

At the Grotto of Our Immaculate Conception, in Lourdes   

Daniel (14+ years old) Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Day 6 in Lourdes …

Today is your 4th day in Lourdes Hospital.

“We’d like to do a second scan on Daniel …” the doctor informed us when he came to see You first thing in the morning. 

He said that it was not possible for the hemorrhage to cause You to sleep so much. You had been drowsy and sleepy since admission and that was not a normal reaction. The nurse wheeled You in your bed, out to the scan room. 

After the scan, the nurse brought You back to your room. Your eyes were closed. 

Barely 10 minutes passed, when the nurse came back to tell us that the doctor has asked for a third scan, this time with contrast. 

Apparently, the doctor noticed some unfamiliar image.

Unfamiliar image …

That phrase alone was enough to make your mother’s skin crawl and hair stand on ends. Mom threw a glance at You and noticed that You were sleeping quite peacefully. 

You were pushed out again in your bed. 

Dad and Mom waited for You in your room, this time with agitation. 

Dad was staring out of the window while Mom was pacing about, going out of her mind with worry. Hysteria was gnawing at her nerves by the second. 

It was really frightening not knowing what was happening to You.

Your last Chinese New Year in Genting Highlands in Feb 2009.

DOT 98 : SNOOZE

THE FINAL CHAPTER : A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY (Sept 2009 to Jan 2010) 

At the Grotto of Our Immaculate Conception, in Lourdes

Daniel (14+ years old) (Monday 14/9/2009) 

Day 5 in Lourdes …

 

Mom nodded quietly. 

She did not trust herself to say anything. 

We were standing by your bed on one side, with Dad on the other side. We observed that You had slept the whole day through and was likely to sleep through the night as well. 

You did not wake up to eat or even say a word, except to the nurse who came to check on You. Even then, You opened your eyes briefly, and went back to sleep the moment the nurse left. 

Shortly after visiting hours, Aunt Laura and Dad left the hospital.

Mom spent the rest of the night sitting on the companion bed, watching You wearily. 

You were clearly in Snooze Land, resting quite peacefully, oblivious to what was happening around You. 

Alone with You, Mom could not help but wonder about your back pains and was puzzled how You could just continue to lay flat on the bed, with very little movements, for three days straight without any complaints. 

Too tired to reason, or perhaps too afraid to tread on spiritual territory, Mom decided to just leave it alone. 

Tomorrow will be a better day. 

So please ...

Please get up tomorrow ...

Please ... 

 

The last time You visited Kuantan Beach (Feb 2009).

We have not been there since you left on Jan 21, 2010, and there is no reason for us to go there again.

It just will not be the same.

DOT 97 : CALM

THE FINAL CHAPTER : A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY (Sept 2009 to Jan 2010) 

At the Grotto of Our Immaculate Conception, in Lourdes

Daniel (14+ years old) (Monday 14/9/2009) 

Day 5 in Lourdes …

Today is your 3rd day in Lourdes Hospital.

Dad was at the hotel to help Justine pack. 

Later that day, Dad, Grandma and Justine went to the Grotto before they came to the hospital to visit You. 

Mom assured Justine that we would be back within a few days, that we were just waiting for the hemorrhage to dissolve and allow your body to heal. 

Later that evening, Aunt Laura and Dad sent Grandma and Justine to the train station to catch the night train to Paris. 

They would reach Paris station early the next morning, and would have ample time to get to the airport to take the flight back home to Kuala Lumpur departing around noon.

After seeing them off at the station, Aunt Laura and Dad came to the hospital. Mom always felt better when Aunt Laura was around. She always knew all the right things to say. 

Her calmness was reassuring, her faith unwavering. 

“She knows …” Aunt Laura said.

“She knows what’s happening,” Aunt Laura continued softly.

That was comforting to hear. 

 

 Your last Chinese New Year with us in Kuantan (Feb 2009).